no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
so let's talk penis.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
