Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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