I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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