this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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