he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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