I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
