the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
