I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
