she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
