***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
