Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Randomize
