I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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