It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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