Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
