Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
