I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL