my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..