i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.