i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
