Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
