There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
