went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
