totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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