I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
