You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
