I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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