I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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