I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
