my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
