Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
