The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
