I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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