watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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