i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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