I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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