can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
