Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
just tell him i said nine months
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
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I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
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I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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