Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize