You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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