I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
