My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
