So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I party with great urgency now.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
