i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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