That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
