It's like a parade of train wrecks.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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