He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
