my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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