I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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