Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
