He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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