You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
