You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
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