A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
