i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
