dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
