omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
