she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
