All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
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please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
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You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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