I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
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