would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
