If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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