His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
