there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
